Midnight Misunderstandings
by Locus Solus
Summary: Usopp has a little misunderstanding about Sanji and Zoro late one night and takes things the wrong way. Quick fic when I was bored. Rated T for foul language, mature themes, and just to be safe.


Beware kiddies, mature-ness lies ahead.

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Usopp awoke to a curious sound that night. Gosh dang it, after he was having such a good dream on Sniper Island. Sogeking was in the middle of kicking some _ass_.  
The sound seemed to be coming from one of the other male crew members. Possibly they were coming in from the night watch. Strange that he didn't hear the door open, after all, he was closest to it. No, the sound was coming from the opposite end of their hammocks, closer to the lockers. What was it? Grunting? _Moaning?_ Maybe he was hearing things wrong. Yeah, that was it. He was still sleepy after just being rudely awaken. Best if he just went back to-

"Move, god damn it! I'm suffocating here!" came a muffled whisper.

"I'm trying!" was the hoarse reply. "Quit complaining you pansy!"

That sounded like Sanji and Zoro. What were they doing up and arguing at this hour? Did Zoro wake the cook up again? What was this about suffocating?

"Pansy?? Why I oughtta-"

"Quiet! Unless you _want_ to wake up the others."

The reply was inaudibly muffled, but that didn't dull the anger that emanated from the tone.

"Whatever," Sanji snapped. "Just get-"

There was another groan.

Usopp tensed up. That feeling like he shouldn't be awake right now was creeping up on him. Not that he wanted to be awake at this particular moment.

"Damn it, stop drooling! Ow!!"

"Sorry!" Zoro whispered harshly. "Stop squirming, you're making it more difficult!"

"What's more difficult right now is that I can't breathe! Hurry up!"

He _definitely_ shouldn't be awake right now. The urge to turn over and see what was going on was immense, but his life would be in mortal danger if even made a peep right now. Whatever the two were doing Usopp just wanted them to hurry it up or at least keep it down if they were going to continue on for much longer. The sound of heavy panting halted his train of thought and sent it spinning off the tracks into a collision. There was a loud _slap_ and a yelp.

"Shh!" Zoro hissed.

"Stop doing that! That hurt, idiot!"

"Shut up and take it like a man."

"'Take it like a man' _my_ _ass_." was the angry reply.

_What?  
_Usopp began to contemplate the idea of slipping his head under the pillow to at least drown out the noises. Either that or he could at least suffocate himself to make it stop. Maybe he could act like he was still asleep and turn over, he could suck on his thumb to make it even more believable. Then they would think they were beginning to become too loud and hopefully tone it down or maybe even STOP. But what if he accidentally _saw_ what they were doing? Would he be able to handle it? Would he burst out laughing? Or would he scream like a girl and find himself playing Janken* with Death?  
The breathing was getting louder. Undeniably it was coming from the cook, loud and clear. Ragged, actually.

"Oi, don't pass out on me." Zoro's voice cut through the dark. "I'm not going to do this by myself."

Usopp stifled a squeak. His eyebrow began to twitch uncontrollably.

"Fuck you," was the blond's breathless reply. "I'm trying... but this... is a little... too much."

More grunting now, as in 'heave ho' status, from both male members. The hammock creaked and resounded it's protest at the activity that was taking place. Then a low and defeated moan and someone else began panting, Zoro this time.

"Shit, this is fucking hard."

"My back- is going- to break. Shut up and push already!"

Usopp felt all color drain from his face. If he were standing he would've passed out for sure. Certainly it could not be what it sounded like. Certainly not. After all, this was _Zoro_ and _Sanji_ he was thinking about here. They most definitely wouldn't end up in _that_ kind of relationship. Would they?

"Shit-!" Sanji yelped. It probably would've been louder if it didn't sound like his face was being pushed into a pillow. "Fuck, marimo! That hurt!!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Zoro snapped. "Keep it down!"

Good heavens, Usopp was going to be scarred for life. He would never be able to look at the two the same again. All he could think about now is how long this had been going on. When did it start? How did no one ever notice? And _how_ in Santa's name-  
There was the sound of material ripping and a low curse.

"Bastard, that was my favorite shirt."

"Not my fault."

"Did I say it was your fault??"

"You would've blamed me anyway!"

Grunting and groaning the hammock continued to sway and jar once in a while. Every now and then, Usopp would hear a _thump_, which was indiscernible as to what could have caused that sound. Usopp was sure he didn't want to know. Why, in the name of Ebalf? Why?! Why didn't he have the night watch tonight? WHO had the night watch now, anyway?? In the name of all good inventions, please come in now! PLEASE! Anything! A Marine attack! A storm! Just make it stop!

"Damn it, go faster!"

"Hey, I'm not the one that's getting fucked in the ass here!"

The marksman could've sworn his heart just stopped beating. What did he just say? They were actually doing 'it'? They were doing 'the Naughty'? Oh no. Oh _no_. They were doing 'the Naughty'! Not 'the Naughty'!

Last thing Usopp heard before he passed out was a strangled; "Oh, _fuck_ me." And the world went black.

The next morning arrived without breakfast due to Sanji being in the infirmary for nearly being asphyxiated from Franky's weight, after the cyborg had rolled out of the bunk above him and landed on top of the man in the middle of the night. Zoro was not pleased with losing half of a night's sleep trying to pry the ridiculously heavy Franky off since the cook "begged" for his assistance. Luffy attempted to wake Usopp up that morning, but the marksman continued to foam at the mouth and mutter inaudibly about how his innocence had been lost. As for Franky himself, he hadn't the slightest clue as to why he woke up to find himself lying on the floor with a massive headache and Sanji's blanket tangled around him.

~Fin~

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* Janken is the Japanese equivalent of Rock, Paper, Scissors. For those of you who don't know.

BTW: I don't know about you, but I thought it was a grand idea to sleep in my friend's empty closet, which was next to her mom's room which she was sharing with her boyfriend. Needless to say I awoke the next morning to some odd sounds coming from the next room and let me tell you this: IT'S NOT THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR IN THE MORNING. Thank god for my Zune to tune out such unpleasantness.

On a further note, for those of you who play Sims you would understand the Janken joke even more. On Sims if one of them dies some horrendous death (drowning in the pool because you removed the ladder, catching on fire due to being surrounded by a million stoves, or being struck by lightening because your sim is incredibly unfortunate) you can have one of your other sims play against the Grim Reaper when he comes. If you win he gives that sim back their life. If you lose and he's in a bad mood he says 'screw you, you lost and you don't get your loved one back'. If you lose but he's in a good mood, he brings that sim back to life as a zombie. I spent hours trying to bring my sim back as a zombie. Then all they did was piss and moan and destroy my crap. But that's irrelevant.

Review? Yes?


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